Why I boycott Toronto FC

Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment owns and operates Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Raptors, and Toronto FC. These franchises - particularly the first two - have two things in common: excellent profits and dismal results. Contrast this with Toronto Blue Jays, which can't give away tickets, but have won two championships in record time.

Leafs fans, you are losers. Looooooooosers. I watch you every year with your stupid jerseys. With your pointless discussions. Could you even afford a season ticket? Were you even born the last time your team won the Cup? Back when they were the original six?

I have no sympathy for you repeatedly going back to your abusive boyfriend. You are losers. You deserve what you're getting. I root for the Leafs. Because it's more fun to watch you get your hopes up and then have them crushed in the playoffs. This year, for example, has been very kind to you. This is the best year you've had with your Leafs in a long time, maybe ever.

Raptors fans: the same, except less extreme, because your abusive boyfriend is a lot younger, and far from the richest team in the league. I still think you are losers, but there is still hope for you. Leave him now, before you have to start telling your friends every couple of months that you walked into a door again and that's how you got two black eyes.

And so we come to Toronto FC. How can anybody possibly hate this team, eh? They are wonderful. Yes, really, they are. I would love them if I didn't have a powerful rational brain that has taken billions of years to evolve. And that brain is telling me not to get suckered in. Toronto FC's two brothers are major losers. This team must be treated as guilty until proven innocent.

I will not spend a dime, I will not watch a single game, until Toronto FC wins a title. Competitive doesn't count. Lovable even less so. Until they deliver, I will not know of them. Call me a bandwagon fan, but it's still better than a loser. And by following one of this lot, you are risking a lifetime of being a loser.